Separation Anxiety

Usually this is a term referring to young children who get anxious and nervous when they know their parents will be leaving them (@babysitters, etc). None of my children really had much of this. Zack a teeny bit more than the other kiddos, but still not much.

Me on the other hand.... I get HORRIBLE separation anxiety everytime my kids leave me. LOL

I still remember the first time I put baby Kadan to bed in his own room, instead of the bassinet in my room. I probably didn't sleep more than an hour that whole night, and it wasn't because the baby kept waking up.

I remember being in the hospital with Zack as a baby and the nurses asking if they could take him by the nurses station so I could get some sleep. After a considerable amount of hesitation, I finally agreed.... I was tired... but it still made my heart ache just to have him leave the room away from me.

I only got to see Cameron for a tiny moment when they wheeled me from the surgery recovery room up to my own room. And I barely remember it from the blood loss and drugs they had me on. Then I had to wait about 12 hours before I could see him again. Worst. 12. hours. of. my. life. Every single chance I had to slip away down to the NICU to see him I did. The NICU nurses kept telling me to go back and get some rest.

It's hard though, having your little one constantly right next to you for 9 months (or... 7 months in Cameron's case) and then all of a sudden they're not there anymore. Even though you know they're fine... it's still an uncomfortable feeling not having them in your arms for the first little while.

When we had to leave the hospital, of course I cried. My heart was just breaking having to leave him behind. And my heart broke each and every time we had to leave the hospital after a visit after that. I remember holding him and snuggling, trying my hardest not to watch the clock and trying to savor those last few minutes of each visit. It made my heart ache to put him back in the isolette and leave. If I could have lived in the NICU that month I would have.

Zack started Primary at church this year... my little Sunbeam. He's still been a little nervous, as it's a new class with lots of kids and lots of big kids, too. The first minute or two he always wants us to stay. And part of me wants to scoop him up and stay with him or bring him to Relief Society with me... but I don't. And when I pick him up at his class after its over he always has a big grin on his face and I know he had fun with his little friends.

Each school morning me and Kadan get up together and get dressed and have breakfast. The little ones are still sleeping so we chat while we get his school stuff together, and laugh and giggle at funny expressions on little Zack's sleeping face. : ) I bundle him up and watch from the porch as he walked to the end of the complex where the bus picks the kids up. I thought it would get easier now that it's already February... but it doesn't. I still feel my heart tense up every time he walks to the bus... looking too grown up. He's not nervous at all. And for about an hour I worry about him and if he got to school okay and if he's having fun and if other kids are being nice... and when he comes home all excited about his day and I take a bit breath and my heart eases.

I finally understand why my mom cried for the first 5+ years after I graduated when I'd leave her house after a visit. Almost the first year of their existence they are a PART of you. That feeling and instinct to want them close does not go away at birth, not for me at least. I'm sure my paranoid-ness doesn't help my condition of mommy separation anxiety either. LOL If there is something to worry about, I'm going to worry about it! : )

I'm SO glad my children have all felt secure enough to want to experience new things and not need to be attached to my hip at all times. I love that they've gained a sense of indepence. And even though it's hard, I will not let my own issues of wanting to keep them close affect their opportunities for experiences. I want my kids to be social and have fun new experiences and try new things, I never want to coop them up at home just because I'm worried for them. I'm ALWAYS going to worry about them. But I love them enough to want them to experience their own life, whether that means sleeping in their own room... going to there primary class down the hall from my class, or walking down the road to ride the bus to kindergarten a mile away.